Trans folks are asking: Do you want advice from your cis friends?

Allyship can take a number of forms: emotional reassurance, political action, standing up to injustice, and the list goes on. But what about a heaping helping of unsolicited advice?

That’s the question that brought a cis woman to a trans subreddit asking for wisdom. Her friend from a gaming group had just began transitioning, she said, and she wasn’t sure how best to support her.

“She’s a little sensitive about the transition, constantly asking if she passes, and honestly the guys for the most part are very accepting. I love this for her!” she wrote in her post.

“I totally want to support her and if she were my girl friend I’d totally let her know she’s wearing her hair piece a little too low on her face,” the poster continued. “It unbalances her look, and it just looks off kilter to me.”

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“It’s part of #girl code#. If you like the other girl you better tell her if something’s wrong with her face. It’s almost like an ethical obligation,” she reasoned. “I want to support her, but also want to be sensitive to her feelings re transition. What would you do?”

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By and large, commenters said a little friendly advice was welcome, as long as it’s delivered the way it would be to any girlfriend regardless of being cis or trans.

“Let her know you are willing to help her out with the girly stuff. Ask her if she is open to some helping advice,” reads the most upvoted comment on the post. “If she is then help her with all your heart. Just be mindful of how [you] bring it up. And have a blast together. I would love to have a friend like you.”

“Personally I would love a gentle discussion about it but don’t know how most other transfemmes would feel,” echoed another commenter. “It’s actually really validating when my wife tells me something doesn’t work because it means I know she actually means it when she compliments other stuff.”

“Treat her like any other woman friend you have, and you’ll be off to a good start. I have received and appreciated similar feedback from friends,” offered a third.

Another commenter shared her own story of wishing someone would offer her advice. “I’ve always had short hair and now I’m trying to grow it. Right now, my hair is absolutely terrible. It peaks in all directions and is just useless,” she explained. “If one of my friends would give me [hair advice] I would love that.”

“Same with my clothing,” she continued, adding that only getting compliments all the time starts to feel disingenuous. “Of course, depending on the tone, someone just saying I look sh*t without giving me any advice […] doesn’t help me and would only make me feel bad. But heartfelt people trying to help me with my looks, I would love to hear that.”

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“I recognized him as soon as I saw him,” lamented the author of the controversial post.

Some commenters, though, weren’t fans of the idea, especially at the beginning of her friend’s transition. 

“Unfortunately I genuinely don’t think this is something I’d say anything about and sort of let her grow into it in time,” advised one commenter. “Girl code is one thing like pointing out your friend has a stain, but it’s one thing to tell a potential nuke of anxiety that you don’t think she’s wearing her hair properly 🥴 If she feels happy with how she looks now that’s what matters, I don’t think saying anything would be wise so early on.”

Several folks recommended sticking to the “five-minute rule,” which goes for all surface-level criticisms between friends. “If it can’t be fixed in less than 5 minutes don’t say anything. If she can fix it quickly then tell her,” explained one user. “Just don’t say it in front of anyone else.”

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