The gays are asking: if this is your fetish, can you still identify as straight?

Human sexuality is a fascinating thing, and even though we try our best to nail down and define every fetish, identity, and proclivity, it’s an impossible task.

But some fetishes are as old as time itself, and just because we haven’t as a society done the best job of making room for the desires that feel a little more outré doesn’t mean that they’re not valid.

Which brings me to a recent tweet regarding an episode of the podcast “Other People’s Lives” that came out three years ago. The subject? “I’m a Straight Man with a P*nis Fetish.”

Culture, unfiltered

Twice a week, our newsletter will bring you the pulse of queer culture, from the tastemakers to the groundbreakers.

pic.twitter.com/YAZMiSBJpa

— david (@davidefinitely) July 17, 2024

Upon reading this intriguing description, I know a lot of folks’ first impulse might be to laugh. Isn’t this just a way of denying that you’re gay or queer? How can you identify as straight with that specific fetish? But hold on just a second, because there’s a lot of nuance here that might not be apparent at first glance. First of all, we know that there are plenty of situations in which genitals don’t necessarily correspond to a person’s gender. Secondly, the subject in question describes himself as someone who is “infatuated with c*ck.” Not with men, but with a very specific appendage that some folks of all genders possess.

Calling in to the podcast, he explained that he’s happily married to a cis woman who is aware of his fetish. “I do consider myself bisexual,” he explains, “but the kicker is, I’m not attracted to men. Not a fan of their faces, not a fan of their bodies, definitely not into anything intimate with a man.”

He does, however, get “wildly aroused” by “above average to large-sized” p*nises.

So what does this mean, exactly? Is “bisexual” an accurate label, or does “90% straight” make sense? Let’s unpack this.

When asked to explain his desires a bit more, the caller said that he found himself aroused by the idea of getting on gay hookup apps—which he has used before—and exchanging pictures of certain areas. But as a married man with three kids, it’s not always the easiest to hook up IRL, and he also doesn’t necessarily want any kind of intimacy with cis men.

“I was raised in a really religious home in a homophobic state,” he explains, “and it was something I was way ashamed of until I met my wife.” She happened to be friends with the guy he’d hooked up with throughout high school, and the truth came out while they were dating. To make things even more interesting, his wife identifies as bisexual as well, and considers her husband to be one of the few men she’s physically attracted to.

So what about trans attraction? While the caller doesn’t seem to have had any experiences with trans women or men, that’s probably a good thing. Trans folks already have to deal with plenty of chasers in the dating scene, and it’s never fun to be sexually or romantically pursued just because of the genitals someone assumes you might have. And while many bi-curious or trans-attracted folks might want to date trans folks for this reason, it’s not fair for the trans people who have to deal with being fetishized.

Related

Baby Reindeer takes a sharp, painful look at gay shame

Richard Gadd’s raw, addictive series is about the pain of queer shame

“I definitely define this as a fetish, and not a sexuality,” the caller explains. “And there are a lot of [fetishes] out there that we can’t even define.”

Honestly, true enough. Commenters agreed, with one viewer writing: “There are more dudes like this dude than you could ever imagine.”

“I would say he’s sexually attracted to men,” another commenter wrote, “but not romantically.” Another poster said that they’ve met plenty of men who are “bi-married,” meaning they’re in a long-term, monogamous relationship with a woman, but are still attracted to men despite having little desire to have a romantic or intimate relationship with them.

In short: there’s no such thing as normal in any area, and especially when it comes to human sexuality. We might feel that the labels we already have—such as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, lesbian, or omnisexual—cover most of it, but they really only show us the tip of the iceberg. And that’s okay! The more important takeaway is that no matter what your attraction is or what your fetish is—as long as it doesn’t involve anything violent or non-consensual for someone else—it’s valid, and you shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of it or keep it secret.

Here’s hoping that caller is living his best life, and encouraging others to do the same.