The gays are asking: what should you do if your parents try to “pray the gay away?”

In a perfect world, coming out at any age would be nothing but a joyful, affirming experience. But sadly, we don’t live in a perfect world. Most of the time, we don’t even live in a chaotic neutral world. Which means that when coming out, it’s always smart to have a game plan to ensure your safety, especially if you’re still living under your parents’ roof.

For one young man, simply ordering a package full of gay supplies for an upcoming trip caused an issue with his unsupportive parent. Though he lives apart from her, his package ended up getting sent to his mother’s address, and from there, things got rough.

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“My boyfriend and I (18m) are going to Lollapalooza, so I bought some things for the trip (lube, douche, trimmer heads, a flask that won’t raise any eyebrows, and hangover relief).” The poster explained on Reddit. “I accidentally sent the package to my mom’s house, which is weird because I haven’t sent anything there in over a year, and she opened it. She sent me a picture of all the items and said we need to talk.”

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You can probably guess what that talk was about. When he spoke to his Christian mother, she started telling him that he was going down the “wrong path.”

“She [told me I was] choosing a life of pleasure and fun over eternity and that I’m going down a dark path,” he wrote. “I pointed out that when she was a teen, she also partied and drank. She said it’s “not the same” and I’m comparing “apples to oranges.” I told her that the Bible says getting drunk is a sin and that sin is sin, so how is it different? She couldn’t answer. I also pointed out that she and her now-husband didn’t wait until marriage to have sex, so she has no room to talk. She responded with, ‘Yeah, but I repented of that, and we are now married, so now I don’t live a life of sin.'”

We’ve all probably had to have similar conversations with intolerant family, friends, and even employers at times. So what should you do? What’s the best way to avoid being dragged into a “debate” with a homophobe?

Well, there are a few ways to deal with it. Ideally when you see the conversation heading in this direction, you can pivot. When I find myself stuck in a conversation like this, I’ve found it helpful to stop the other person in their tracks and simply say “we’re not going to agree, so let’s move on.” You can also say, “I’m not interested in hearing a point of view that invalidates me, and I won’t continue this conversation if this continues.”

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A few commenters agreed with this tactic. “If she’s arguing on religious terms, don’t even try to argue back,” they explained. “There’s no logic and therefore no winning.”

It’s true: a true debate requires that both parties consent to the debate and agree on the actual terms being debated. When it comes to a homophobic or deeply religious parent, it’s often the case that they’re using their religious beliefs to disguise their own personal feelings about queerness. Those feelings are often deeply rooted in religious doctrine, but there are plenty of other factors that go into that person’s specific brand of anti-gay feelings. So do your best to stop the conversation before it starts by setting a clear boundary. If you find yourself unable to do this, maybe just step back and limit your contact for the time being, until you find yourself in a less vulnerable place.

Things get trickier, of course, when you’re not able to create distance from yourself and your parent or whoever holds these homophobic views. If you’re outed while still living at home, there are a few things you can do to make sure you stay safe from harm.

First, contact your friends and make sure you have a place to stay if things go from bad to worse. Pack a go bag, and once you’re out of the house, do your best to block contact with your parent unless they’re showing actual signs of true remorse and understanding. If they still want to pray the gay away even after some time passes, here’s another action you can take.

“If you are under 24 in the USA and cut your mom off for mental health reasons (her homophobic abuse is a valid reason) and apply for an unusual circumstances appeal with your school’s financial aid department and explain that you cut her off due to her abusiveness being a risk to your mental health you can be considered independent and only have your income considered when applying for FAFSA and financial aid.” One poster suggested. “You’ll want to file the FAFSA without her info first and then file the appeal with the school. If you mention your sexuality and they deny it, under the current administration you can take it as a possible title 9 violation and report them to the feds. But you do not have to disclose what/how she was/is abusive or your sexuality to get this kind of thing approved.”

Even if you’re not in school yet, cutting off an abusive or intolerant parent, while it might seem drastic, can be the best way to protect yourself. The most important thing to remember here is that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and while things might seem bleak right now, you’re doing what’s best for you. Soon you’ll build a community of people who love you exactly the way you are, and even if you can’t see that future in front of you just yet, trust that you will get there. You have friends and you have resources, and you don’t have to go through this alone.